This is a genuine complaint
to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an angry member
of the public. True email sent to the force, lengthy
but brilliantly written.....
Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone
answering service, having spent the past twenty minutes
waiting for someone at Bodmin police station to pick
up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and
try e-mailing you instead.
Perhaps you would be so kind as to
pass this message on to your colleagues in Bodmin, by
means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.
As I'm writing this e-mail there are
eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call
them youths) in St Marys Crescent, which is just off
St Marys Road in Bodmin. Six of them seem happy enough
to play a game which involves kicking a football against
an iron gate with the force of a meteorite.
This causes an earth shattering CLANG!
which rings throughout the entire building.This game
is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the
scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end
any time soon. The remaining five walking abortions
are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish
and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully
dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found
a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a
beaver on speed.
I fear that it's only a matter of
time before they turn their limited attention to the
bottle of calor gas that is lying on its side between
the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow
their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave
them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the
matches.
Unfortunately they are far more likely
to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished
decorating the kitchen.
What I suggest is this - after replying
to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter
is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not
leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath
night) when there are no mutants around then drive up
the street in a panda car before doing a three point
turn and disappearing again.
This will of course serve no other
purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look
like.I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull
of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy
of giving me a four month head start before coming to
arrest me.
I remain sir, your obedient servant
???????
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr ??????,
I have read your e-mail and understand
you frustration at the problems caused by youths playing
in the area and the problems you have encountered in
trying to contact the police.
As the Community Beat Officer for your
street I would like to extend an offer of discussing
the matter fully with you.
Should you wish to discuss the matter,
please provide contact details (address / telephone
number) and when may be suitable.
Regards
PC ?
Community Beat Officer
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear PC ?
First of all I would like to thank
you for the speedy response to my original e-mail. 16
hours and 38 minutes must be a ersonal record for Bodmin
Police station, and rest assured that I will forward
these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his
next book.
Secondly I was delighted to hear that
our street has its own community beat officer. May I
be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills?
In the five or so years I have lived in St Marys Crescent,
I have never seen you.
Do you hide up a tree or have you
gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself?
Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his
forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin?
It's surely only a
|
